“When are the Interwebs as a whole going to finally start providing me with music videos that are of higher quality than what I got when I ripped fifteen-year-old VHS tapes? Who decided that the entire Internet should be no more 320x240 pixels, so that everything looks like it was recorded on vintage-1982 consumer gear? I want to punch the responsible person or persons in the junk.”
“Where the saintly Julia Child sought to raise expectations, to enlighten us, make us better—teach us—and in fact, did, Rachael uses her strange and terrible powers to narcotize her public with her hypnotic mantra of Yummo and Evoo and Sammys. 'You're doing just fine. You don't even have to chop an onion—you can buy it already chopped. Aspire to nothing... Just sit there. Have another Triscuit... Sleep... sleep....'”
“Basically, I think the aliens don't blow themselves up; they just get addicted to computer games.”