qumbler

“Sometimes I wish I had a weird sort of sexual fetish like feet or bondage if only because it would save me so much time. Instead, I have to obsess over whether a girl is a good person, funny, smart and then whether or not I find her pretty. Life would be so much easier if all I had to consider in dating a girl was how willing she was to step on my nuts.”

“shes usually pretty super banging but she does really look like a Myspace Chick in that one, though. that is an actual cultural term now since Myspace basically became the Detroit of the internet.”

“I don't give a fuck. No one gives a fuck. You people make Facebook less enjoyable than being set on fire. I would rather play Monopoly to the end than get another message on Facebook telling me that Mr. McFuckface bit me and I turned into some mythical hellbeast.

I hate you.”

“Artists, creative people of any kind, may be dissatisfied, but they’re not bored. In a pinch, when they can’t think of anything else to do, they can always apply a hammer and chisel to the mountain of bullshit that is society.”

“Guess what, fuckos? Party's over. You're out of college now, and your parents are now too poor to nurse you through grad school. No more fantasy life for you. No more ice luges. No more intellectual discourse. No more ripe teenage pussy. That's all over now. YOU ARE FUCKED. Your days will now consist of searching for a job in a marketplace where no available job of any sort fucking exists. Your commencement speaker will probably tell you your class faces enormous challenges, or some bullshit euphemism like that. This is a lie. A challenge is something you can overcome. You, on the other hand, are completely, unavoidably fucked. You're not going to cure cancer. You're not going to stop wars. You're not going to save the planet. If you're lucky, you may stumble upon a $2 coupon for Honey Nut Cheerios one day. That will be about it.”

“When I was in my twenties, I figured something out: If you are a weird-looking dude (which I am) and you want to date exclusively beautiful women (which I do), the key is to pursue beautiful women who are already in relationships. Let's say you live in Omaha and you meet a hot single woman who is actively dating lots of guys. In order to win her affection, you have to be more desirable than every other single guy in Omaha. It's you against everybody. However, let's say you meet a hot woman who is dating some dude named Mitch. This situation is way, way easier. Now you merely have to be more desirable than Mitch. It's you against him. However, what I've come to realize is that I was not convincing these women to like me; I was merely convincing them that staying faithful to Mitch was unreasonable. I wasn't seducing them in any real context; I was simply eroding their morality.”